matter

 In some lecture or another, Jordan Peterson talks about reality and how we like to think reality is based on provable facts and science. Take a table, it's made of wood and has four legs, and you (not me) might go on about the scientific matter of the thing--something about atoms and protons, mass and energy etc. But then you (and especially me) might say, who cares? What does that even matter? The matter doesn't matter. The reality that actually matters is the meaning behind the table...on top of the table? It's a place for homework and for dinner. We wipe the eraser crumbs and spilled paint so we can spill salsa and then wipe the spilled salsa so we can spill more paint. All of that is much more relevant, much more real than the mass times density divided by the energy plus the square root of volume. I'm a scientist.

So that got me looking around my room the other night at all of the "matter." And how it matters. I was struck by how much story was there. Even looking down at the matter clothing me. I was wearing a ragged hoodie that came in a hand-me-down bag from MeDynn. Just five years ago, I would have zero interest in a hoodie with a giant yin-yang symbol. All I knew were word associations like "Chinese" and "masculine and feminine," and I had grouped it with peace signs and other paraphernalia that was semi in-style in junior high. But since then: Jordan Peterson! Chaos and Order! Attempting that line! Speaking of what matters! It's everything about life in a single symbol! How can it not be my favorite hoodie now? Not that it should be worn in public. Not that it isn't.

Underneath that was an equally ugly Pepsi shirt. Geez, I should go shopping and make beauty matter more! A hundred years ago I borrowed this shirt from Brandon, who borrowed it from his dad. I was very bigly pregnant and ran out of bedtime shirts. It didn't fit Brandon so he doubted and then was surprised that it fit over me and wombed Finn. Could've been Phoebe, but I think Finn. Anyway, I still love the shirt and my kids get a kick out of it since me and pepsi go together like a fish and a bicycle.

Directly in front of my bed is a digital piano, which I bought from the Terrys-who I met doing Scrooge in 2013 and subsequently taught their girls piano. I don't anymore but sometimes I run into lovely Susanna at Gemstone. Which reminds me, one of our first times going there, she and her husband harnessed up my kids and helped them at this new, intimidating wonder of a place. Now they are all Spidermans who scrabble up there weekly+. And have cost me and Brandon a worth-it-fortune+ to keep them scrabbling.

Next to that is a very cheap, but apparently dependable dresser that my parents bought and assembled for me freshman year and over my window, my mom sewed Amy's old curtains to my old curtains to make new black-out curtains. And I can thank Traci and Ashley for my cute bed. One night, soon after my divorce, I was hanging out with them and we were oohing and ahhing over bedding that was way out of my hand-me-down and apparently moochy budget. But the next day, these gifted and stylish friends re-created the look and colors and surprised me with a bed makeover! I will never forget it. 

Speaking of the bed, it is perfection. Brandon and I bought it maybe 10 years in and I have yet to experience a better one. Had Brandon known he would have to lose the bed when he lost me he probably would have reconsidered. Sucka. 

To the right is my nightstand, which we bought as poor newlyweds at an antique store for 35 bucks. It's not remarkable, but I loved it then because I felt so grown-up playing house and buying old nightstands from old people stores. One of the handles has since broken and sometimes I think, "I should fix that." Maybe someday. On top of that is a rag doll my mom made for me in 4th grade and a framed picture of Christ that Grandma Joyce gave us as a wedding present. I ended up sticking an artsy wedding picture of us in it, taken by my artsy brother Nate. When I took the picture out, I had forgotten Jesus was in there patiently waiting. It was a powerful lesson in looking to anything but Christ for fulfillment. Covering up Christ, even with good, beautiful things like marriage, doesn't work. Maybe had I not put so much pressure on my marriage to make me happy--which cannot deliver-- and instead laid it all on Jesus-who always delivers, well who knows what a difference that could have made. 

My wall is painted Alabaster white and has one framed scripture, "Be still and know," from Laura, who just knew there couldn't be a better "last thing to see" every night before closing my eyes. I mention Alabaster because it used to be a depressing beige that we painted way back when beige wasn't depressing, but all the rage. I couldn't even begin to describe how boring and ultimately meaningless the spreadsheet and science of white paint is. But the reality of this white paint is pure love made visible! My siblings and parents gathered round on signing weekend and  ripped up flooring, organized the garage, fixed fences, tore out bushes and painted. My mom even worked her touch-up magic so we wouldn't have to repaint the ceiling. How can you say viscosity is more real than that?

I could go on about every object in my room and how the people behind it have shaped my life, but not rambling too long, also matters. Point is, the science of physical stuff isn't what the world is made up of. Maybe on one level. But none of us really lives on that level. The facty material is immaterial. All of our stuff ultimately reveals what ultimately matters: family, friends, pain, love, healing. All higher meanings that point to Higher Family, Higher Love. That God, family, relationships, and maybe even us individually, matter.

That bulge under the coral blanket is a weighted blanket from my kids. LOVE. The book on the floor is The Long Winter-reading to Phoebe: LOVE. The book on the bed is Anna Karenina: reading with Matt and Jenny. LOVE abounds. See I told you I could go on and on. Usually on the floor is a big pile of legos. I let my room be the lego room because then it at least gets picked up sometimes.  And I have actually turned the corner where I think I will miss the mess someday! That's thanks to Jenny.