Lead the way, kindly light!
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.
Wait, back up. My thoughts? The blaring question to me right now is, do I even have my own thoughts? My own personality? Or am I nothing more than a collection of all the noise and chemicals and food surrounding me? So many clichés are springing to mind right now, but they're light switching with new meaning. I'm surprised at how spongy both my body and mind are. Something I've been taught my whole life but you know, whatever. Until now.
If I don't get enough sleep, sure, I'm tired. Duh. Water is also wet. It's just that I'm not just tired. My emotions are tired. Weary. My thoughts start resembling MacBeth's. Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty place from day to day...it is a tale told by an idiot full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. What a lovely way to drag myself out of bed. It's a blessed thing I can't remember the middle. But waves of that kind of horrible apathy seep in with lack of sleep. It's not safe for anyone. And if sleep cycles are so powerful, what else is? Everything!
I can't hear Avril Lavigne's Complicated without instantly being transported back to Subway circa 2001 where it played at least 3 times every shift. And if an angry breakup song comes on I can't help absorbing all the sentiments that again, are not really my own. Eff you world! I do hope she cheats! I hate you and your dog! By the end of an errand trip with Olivia Rodrigo I can physically feel a blackness in my heart. Ridiculous.
Luckily the reverse is true too. Truly good music and good podcasts and good books remind me life doesn't "signify nothing," and there's much to do and much to be grateful for. But if every influence sways me one way or another, what am I in a vacuum? Anything?
I need thee every hour. Abide with me..the darkness deepens. Lord, with me abide!
It's almost as if God knew this all along. He's always telling us to seek the Light. Figuratively and literally. "Here. Here's a giant and blinding sun full of vitamin D to really hit it home." In the sunshine I am full of light, and lightness, and hope and empowerment. Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy. You know, even songs about the sun lift me up! In the dark I start believing MacBeth is on to something. But is MacBeth even his own? How cloudy is Scotland? And what did he have for breakfast? And that voice of Lady MacBeth in his head! And did she get her B vitamins and omega 3's? I mean, are they even accountable? Is anyone in the UK?!
I'm finally realizing that meditation (i.e. praying but less prattle) is the way to train your brain to not be blown about by every wind of doctrine....p.s. do you see how even my phrases are not my own? The unoriginality is astounding! But anyway, as one monk put it, our brains are like monkeys. Drunk monkeys bitten by scorpions and haunted by ghosts. No wonder it's tricky work.
I suppose the MacBeth family didn't leave much time for meditation in their finger-scheming schedules. But even they can't get off scot-free. (*Did you know the term scot-free originated from ancient guilty Scottish people being set free without punishment? How fitting!) After all they likely did have a dusty Bible somewhere in that castle which encouraged meditation long before it became the trendy thing to do. Not to mention the whole Top Ten pretty near the beginning. Lady M, Get. On. Board! At the very least she could have gotten some peace of mind about that damn spot. When did I become so invested in the MacBeth's?
Perhaps I'm surprised by how long it's taken me to really notice that my mind and body talk to me-quite loudly- and to plan accordingly what I allow in there. And maybe disappointed that I can be so influenced so easily. But it shouldn't be surprising as listening and paying attention has never been my forte. I've spent my whole life chattering. But here's to Higher Thoughts and Holier Ways!
This sort of religious longing might look so boring and unselfishly pious. But it is absolutely selfish. I want to feel good. And love, compassion, health, grace, energy and hope feel good. Breathe in Light and love, Breathe out Light and Love. MacBeths, you in?
*This is not remotely true.
Brilliant, absolutely brilliant! So funny, and so true, except what you wrote about "scott-free", but I wish it was true.
ReplyDeleteI have pondered this a lot about myself--when my thyroid went berserk, I completely lost my sense of self. Of course, I failed to realize that it was happening to other people--I was (am) so wrapped up in my own problems.
Or am I? Or are you? Being an empath means you really are affected by the moods of everyone around you. I haven't always appreciated Dave's cheery nature--it felt like he was being unsympathetic. But really, he was blessing me by not adding to my angst. When my therapist tells me to ask myself if my negative emotions are really my own, I can say yes when he's around!
I did not fully appreciate how important fresh air was until recently. And I don't know what "fully" means, but anyway...I listened to a doctor talk about moving air versus stagnant air. He said that the very best air filter you can buy is...a ceiling fan! (As long as it's dusted.) Anyway, I have spent the majority of time indoors, but lately, after I go to work on my fruit trees, or take a motorcycle lesson, I find that I'm energized and surprisingly happy. When I took the kids to work on the trees with me, and we spent all day outside digging and planting and watering, they noticed how good they felt.
I also jist listened to a podcast on Art of Manliness about how important P.E. is. I am ashamed to say I thought P.E. was a total waste of time. If we just sent our kids outside instead of implementing No Child Left Behind, or Common Core, or whatever...they would do better in school.
Have you ever noticed how all the Sunshine Songs in the hymnbook are all in the key of G major?
A DUSTED ceiling fan?!?That's a TALL ask!!!
DeleteYour dad and I heartily laughed at your portrait of the MacBeths. You are delightful and real. You DO get it!
ReplyDeleteI love everything you said except the parts about Mac B, who is that dude?
ReplyDeleteI've never been thrived more than the last year of of my life and it can be distilled down to being intentional about what I consume. Cutting out the dark and taking in more light is a pretty simple formula to feel fantastic. Being intentional about what you eat, who you spend time with, what you watch or read, and being active vs sedentary is a lost art. Many are over stimulated and completely aloof to how everything they consume influences them.
As Jordan B Peterson says "What we aim at determines what we see" duh! Lets aim at the light!