broken UP

 I think my divorce broke me forever, and this is good news. Though I admit, calling it “good” was just as unobvious to me as it sounds to you. 

Surprising to no one ever, divorce has a way of taking a toll on a person’s self-worth. The person who loved me best, then knew me best, then thought it best to leave. That kind of a person’s opinion holds weight and so naturally weighed me down. I wasn’t enough. Or he wasn’t. I could never decide which was more true. There have been countless nights trying, and pointing fingers- first at him, and then me. And then came anger, then shame, and then sadness which turned to tears which eventually flowed into the proverbial water under the bridge and it’s forgiveness for everyone! Finally, rest. Until another night– sometimes sooner, sometimes later, when I’d do it all again. This is all part of the Deluxe Divorce Package Deal! For only a large fee you get assets divided, custody “agreements”, and an unlimited supply of sleepless nights and neuroticism. Get yours today!

Except I had always planned on limiting those nights to a bare minimum. I had assumed I’d just be broken For a While–for An Appropriate Amount Of Time. If my calculations were correct, eventually, I would heal and be shiny and new again. I should have taken into account that calculations of any kind are not my strong suit. Because five years later, here I am. ♫ It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me! 

A wound of doubt about my lovability, my choosability, implanted into my heart that I’ve tried to dig out to no infuriating avail. Of course, I’ve always had the average self-esteem issues but nothing so... I don’t know, embedded. A doubt I can physically feel. I am one of the lucky naive ones that grew up with two adoring parents with the bonus of being the youngest child! I had plenty of friends and I made people laugh and gosh darn it people like me! And husbands and wives love each other. That is the way of it. Even if it’s hard to tell sometimes. Deep down, they do. 

But then he didn’t. And did I love him? I thought I did and said I did but did I live it out in any real, or enough way? Because people who feel loved don’t leave. Am I even capable of loving? Perhaps leaving was the only sane thing to do-even the noble and morally right thing to do. 

These sobering thoughts occupy my thoughts less these days- ♫This my hymn of grateful praise! But the fact that they crop up at all really annoys me, not least of which because I prefer sleep! But more than that, I feel guilty. Because how is this forgiveness? If I had forgiven, I wouldn’t lack confidence or question my lovability anymore. Surely I should be whole again by now. 5 years is plenty of time. It’s not like he murdered my family! He’s pretty dang decent, damn it! I’m doing it wrong. I so want to be over it and I'm not. Broken. 

But then a vague idea dawned on me like..well, like dawn. It crept in alongside the rising sun one morning on a long drive home. Maybe forgiveness isn't quite the same as being unbroken. Because I have forgiven him (most the time)! I'm broken because I keep trying to earn my worth through other unloyal humans. Maybe being broken isn't such a bad thing. After all, God wants a broken heart. After all, it is this broken heart that keeps coming back to Him after all the wondering and doubt. Every time I spin in fear and smallness, the hurt makes me reach upwards and I re-find my worth in the variations of prayer: in pleading, in stillness, in pouring out grief, and in hope. Paul blogged about this some 2k years ago. I see now! Had I not got divorced I might just keep placing my confidence and worth in my marriage and husband–a total misplacement. And as long as this brokenness keeps pointing me Up, it is good news. And ironically, gets me closer to whole. I can live with that. 

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted

And saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses... For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Corinthians 12:10

Ethan snapped a picture of the sky at the miraculous moment of a shooting star!